Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Congratulations, You Have Problems

“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days-when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great-and you turn to God alone”.Rick Warren, A Purpose-Driven Life

So what do you do when life feels like one long fumble in the dark, an endless blackout where both your arms are outstretched looking for a light switch and all you keep doing is bumping into wooden furniture, searching for this switch? What do you do when you refuse to accept a bribe and now you are being transferred to the bottom-of-the-food chain department, or your boss is sexually harassing you and you are just thinking about giving in?what do you do when you’ve lost your job because you tried to steal from the company to pay your mother’s hospital bills…what do you when you have lost a loved one? what do you do, what do you what do you do….when you have run out of options?
I can only tell you what I do. I cry. I cry in the middle of the night, I cry in the middle of the day. I cry, I cry, I cry the anguish-my-heart-is-shredding-to-pieces-cry. And yet, “it is during suffering that we learn to pray our most authentic, heartfelt, honest-to-God prayers…we don’t have the energy for superficial prayers”. These are the big-word-prayers where empty words and phrases like, ‘iniquities’, ‘thy righteousness’ and ‘thine rapture’ are used.
during our dark times our prayers are short and succinct. They are silent like desperate tear-stained whispers. We come to His throne ashamed, our heads hung low, “Jesus, I messed up. Show me what to do?”
We get bitter and angry and ask, “why?why me, Lord?what did I do to deserve this?”
And Romans 8: 28-29 gives us an answer, “and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.”
This scripture reading gives you the good news and the challenging news of why you are having these dark times.
The good news:
If you are going through dark times right now, then congratulations, you are going to Heaven, you are already predestined to be there. Baby Christians, be comforted in that. Your name is written in the palm of His Hand.
The challenging news:
You are ‘predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son’. You will go through these dark days to be more Christ-like so that you can fulfill His purpose on Earth and in Heaven.
Do not dwell on the ‘why this happening to you?’ I tried that and did not get anywhere except more depressed, more anger and more bitterness. Rather focus on the ‘what is God trying to tell me?what is God asking me to do to fulfill His purpose?”
Grow through your problems rather than avoid them. Own up to those whom you need owning up to, forgive those who you need to be forgiving to, love those who you should be loving to and so on, and so on. Avoidance will only lead you straight back to a Biblical drawing board, meaning if He is not getting your attention in this problem then He will find another problem to get your attention, and another and another and another until He brings you down to your knees, crying to the Heavens, “Enough!.. ‘speak Lord, your servant is listening’ ” (Samuel 3:10)
And then you will have more problems that will mould you to be more Christ-like, for "we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22) So Congratulations, you have problems and so do I.

Monday, April 19, 2010


Im at home listening to the crickets, the silence of the night. In muthaiga there is no loud music, no babies crying and running up and down. Its so different from Pangani and Kileleshwa. Im happy to be here, Lord. Its just that sometimes it is hard. I feel lost. The days move fast, I don’t even know how. I don’t watch as much television anymore, I like that and I walk, I walk a lot every evening, as I walk I think I pray, I pray hard for God’s blessings and for His protection. I hope He does something tomorrow. I hope I can earn an income soon. It kills me that im not. Does that mean money is my idol?all I know is I feel lost. I love my parents. They have really been patient and supportive. My father once told me in his drunken stupor that no one will ever love you like your parents and im inclined to agree. After all im the prodigal daughter who has returned home and no one is yelling. Lord Jesus, bless my parents. Help me to honor them no matter what my destiny is, allow me to do that. Lord Jesus, today let Your Will be done. Please give me peace in my mind, in my sleep tonight. In Jesus’ name I ask for this. Amen.

Kneeling at the Throne

Heb 4:15-16(C.E.V.)“Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin! So whenever we are in need, we should come bravely before the throne of our merciful God. There we will be treated with undeserved kindness, and we will find help”
Im at home, trying to figure out why iam at peace. I mean should I try to nickpick or just enjoy it. yesterday night, Jackson came home drunk at least this time he came before the sun had risen. As I went to bed with the hot steam of hurt and anger flushing my face, I prayed to Jesus. I asked Him to show me what to do. I felt like someone in a dark room fumbling for a light but not being able to find it. I just didn’t have the strength to be mad anymore. But he was alive and in one piece and that was important, I guess. Today morning he was loving and attentive and iam confused. Its like we were so insync today maybe fueled by John, his single friend who crashed on our couch. I think he might have made us feel good about each other, I don’t know why. But today everything seems different. So let me enjoy it.
Dear Lord, this is my prayer. I come to Your Merciful Throne, and request for Your Undeserved Kindness. I don’t regret quitting Barclays and I want to serve You. I love Martin but I know I will keep searching for the answer. The question is what do You Lord Jesus, want me to do?i know I love writing but in three months I haven’t made much headway. i want to earn money for Martin and I, especially my parents because even though they drive me crazy I love them and I want to honour them, I don’t want them to stress in their last days. Please Lord Jesus, im searching for what my role is, what You want me to do because even though I love writing I know that I want to serve You more, because You are the Truth, the Way, the Light. You are the Question with all the Answers, You are What is, What was and What will be. You took my burdens and put them on Your shoulders. Please Lord Jesus, Im here, im open, im ready to listen. Please Hear my voice God. My heart is open. Im sorry for my sins, for the wrong decisions that I have made in the past and I know You have paid that price and Iam happy and I think I understand true salvation. Help me to move out of here and stop living in sin with this man who loves alcohol more than he loves me.