Friday, July 2, 2010

The Hunger of the Shame

Words that describe how I feel right now…down, depressed, suicidal. I let everyone down, I let myself down and yet I should forgive myself now. I set myself free right now. If it has all gone wrong, then it has all gone right and im alone living in fear. These are my last words, as I leave this world. I, Elah write these last words to you Naomi of Jericho. I hope you can forgive me Naomi. I hope you can let this one go. I did my best, baby. I fought the good fight but it didn’t quite work out for me.

Dear Naomi, sweet Naomi, as I lie in this apartment the sound of Vuvuzelas can be heard, people are excited, they are watching the quarterfinal. It is Netherlands versus Brazil. Aah, but let me not bore you with that. You were never interested in football. Secretly you were only interested in lying next to me feeling my heartbeat thumping hard against my chest. You were lusting for my

I decided to end it all today because I knew you were going to see your parents in the great Beyond. You were surprised when you saw how I did not fight you about how long you should stay there. I was just glad Naomi, that you wouldn’t see my stiff body lying on the floor in 'cursive form' that I must now lay in. I have arranged for my uncle, the Great One's bodyguards to come and pick my body up. Don’t be angry Naomi that the Great One knew and did not tell you. No, instead be happy, be joyous that the Great One understood.

I went to see the witch of the North yesterday and she gave me the key to my death. She had a deathly smile and rancid breath. She was gnawing on dry rat flesh. She gave me, just a drop not a lot so I can die the excruciating way that it must be. It was the oil of Pyronia that is burning my stomach now. My organs are literally frying right now. My blood stained hands shake as I struggle to hold onto the picture. Remember the picture, your face illuminated, as you hold Little Prince. I can still smell that faint baby smell.

Naomi take of yourself, take care of little Prince…feed him well, the good blood he requires and thank you for the stab wounds you placed on my heart, they made it much easier on me .

hi guys, plse comment on this story on this blog. let me know what you think..should i kill it or

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Congratulations, You Have Problems

“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days-when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great-and you turn to God alone”.Rick Warren, A Purpose-Driven Life

So what do you do when life feels like one long fumble in the dark, an endless blackout where both your arms are outstretched looking for a light switch and all you keep doing is bumping into wooden furniture, searching for this switch? What do you do when you refuse to accept a bribe and now you are being transferred to the bottom-of-the-food chain department, or your boss is sexually harassing you and you are just thinking about giving in?what do you do when you’ve lost your job because you tried to steal from the company to pay your mother’s hospital bills…what do you when you have lost a loved one? what do you do, what do you what do you do….when you have run out of options?
I can only tell you what I do. I cry. I cry in the middle of the night, I cry in the middle of the day. I cry, I cry, I cry the anguish-my-heart-is-shredding-to-pieces-cry. And yet, “it is during suffering that we learn to pray our most authentic, heartfelt, honest-to-God prayers…we don’t have the energy for superficial prayers”. These are the big-word-prayers where empty words and phrases like, ‘iniquities’, ‘thy righteousness’ and ‘thine rapture’ are used.
during our dark times our prayers are short and succinct. They are silent like desperate tear-stained whispers. We come to His throne ashamed, our heads hung low, “Jesus, I messed up. Show me what to do?”
We get bitter and angry and ask, “why?why me, Lord?what did I do to deserve this?”
And Romans 8: 28-29 gives us an answer, “and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.”
This scripture reading gives you the good news and the challenging news of why you are having these dark times.
The good news:
If you are going through dark times right now, then congratulations, you are going to Heaven, you are already predestined to be there. Baby Christians, be comforted in that. Your name is written in the palm of His Hand.
The challenging news:
You are ‘predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son’. You will go through these dark days to be more Christ-like so that you can fulfill His purpose on Earth and in Heaven.
Do not dwell on the ‘why this happening to you?’ I tried that and did not get anywhere except more depressed, more anger and more bitterness. Rather focus on the ‘what is God trying to tell me?what is God asking me to do to fulfill His purpose?”
Grow through your problems rather than avoid them. Own up to those whom you need owning up to, forgive those who you need to be forgiving to, love those who you should be loving to and so on, and so on. Avoidance will only lead you straight back to a Biblical drawing board, meaning if He is not getting your attention in this problem then He will find another problem to get your attention, and another and another and another until He brings you down to your knees, crying to the Heavens, “Enough!.. ‘speak Lord, your servant is listening’ ” (Samuel 3:10)
And then you will have more problems that will mould you to be more Christ-like, for "we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22) So Congratulations, you have problems and so do I.

Monday, April 19, 2010


Im at home listening to the crickets, the silence of the night. In muthaiga there is no loud music, no babies crying and running up and down. Its so different from Pangani and Kileleshwa. Im happy to be here, Lord. Its just that sometimes it is hard. I feel lost. The days move fast, I don’t even know how. I don’t watch as much television anymore, I like that and I walk, I walk a lot every evening, as I walk I think I pray, I pray hard for God’s blessings and for His protection. I hope He does something tomorrow. I hope I can earn an income soon. It kills me that im not. Does that mean money is my idol?all I know is I feel lost. I love my parents. They have really been patient and supportive. My father once told me in his drunken stupor that no one will ever love you like your parents and im inclined to agree. After all im the prodigal daughter who has returned home and no one is yelling. Lord Jesus, bless my parents. Help me to honor them no matter what my destiny is, allow me to do that. Lord Jesus, today let Your Will be done. Please give me peace in my mind, in my sleep tonight. In Jesus’ name I ask for this. Amen.

Kneeling at the Throne

Heb 4:15-16(C.E.V.)“Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin! So whenever we are in need, we should come bravely before the throne of our merciful God. There we will be treated with undeserved kindness, and we will find help”
Im at home, trying to figure out why iam at peace. I mean should I try to nickpick or just enjoy it. yesterday night, Jackson came home drunk at least this time he came before the sun had risen. As I went to bed with the hot steam of hurt and anger flushing my face, I prayed to Jesus. I asked Him to show me what to do. I felt like someone in a dark room fumbling for a light but not being able to find it. I just didn’t have the strength to be mad anymore. But he was alive and in one piece and that was important, I guess. Today morning he was loving and attentive and iam confused. Its like we were so insync today maybe fueled by John, his single friend who crashed on our couch. I think he might have made us feel good about each other, I don’t know why. But today everything seems different. So let me enjoy it.
Dear Lord, this is my prayer. I come to Your Merciful Throne, and request for Your Undeserved Kindness. I don’t regret quitting Barclays and I want to serve You. I love Martin but I know I will keep searching for the answer. The question is what do You Lord Jesus, want me to do?i know I love writing but in three months I haven’t made much headway. i want to earn money for Martin and I, especially my parents because even though they drive me crazy I love them and I want to honour them, I don’t want them to stress in their last days. Please Lord Jesus, im searching for what my role is, what You want me to do because even though I love writing I know that I want to serve You more, because You are the Truth, the Way, the Light. You are the Question with all the Answers, You are What is, What was and What will be. You took my burdens and put them on Your shoulders. Please Lord Jesus, Im here, im open, im ready to listen. Please Hear my voice God. My heart is open. Im sorry for my sins, for the wrong decisions that I have made in the past and I know You have paid that price and Iam happy and I think I understand true salvation. Help me to move out of here and stop living in sin with this man who loves alcohol more than he loves me.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dont Worry Be Happy

Matthew 6:25-34 “therefore I say to you do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body….do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Iam a certified worrier. I graduated from the University of Worry about Everything magna cum laude. Somewhere in my childhood I learnt to worry and it never stopped. Can you remember your earliest worry? I can. I was five or six years old and my younger sister had learnt to tie shoelaces before me. It made me worry even though she was only 11 months older than me. Ridiculous, I know. my environment was a contributing factor to my worrying. My mother worried, my sister worried, my grandmother worried. Worrying was in my DNA.

I graduated from the shoelace-tying worrying class to a higher level. I worried about my body, my hair,will I ever kiss a guy to will I ever fall in love, I moved into the adult world, worrying about who am i? what do I want to do with my life? Will I ever get a job?and the least favourite one- money, O my God, what will I do? And I am paying a heavy price for worrying. it has distracted me, brought fear in my life and clouded my judgement. Because of worrying I stayed in a miserable job that I loathed for almost 3 years-before I came to my senses. because of worrying , im possessive about material things like a stupid digital camera which incidently I got conned out of. because of worrying I cant think straight enough to write a construct sentence..which is sad-im a writer, because of it I have felt sorry for myself, been moody, spent sleepless nights in bed with my heart pounding and sobbing.

The spirit of worry has done nothing for me except bring, his other stronger friends into my pity party. Ill introduce you but if you are like me, you know them pretty well, there is Spirit of Fear, Mr. Depression and my favourite one, Mrs. Comfort Eating. Surprisingly since I have resigned from my job I have managed to eat everyday, give my mother money, pay for the food and electricity bill. Since my resignation, Ive been under the Lord’s Shadow and want for nothing. So yesterday, after my last and final meltdown, God showed me a Fact, a Fact I had overlooked. A Fact that is spelt out so clearly. “Don’t worry” I decided to listen to the quiet inner voice of the Holy Spirit. It said, “Don’t worry” too. and after studying the evidence of the past three months, I opened my eyes to the truth. God has got my back. He is with me always. He knows my heart’s desires, he wants me to achieve and live life abundantly but to also know that I don’t need to worry. All those materialistic desires that I have-buying a car, shopping in New York, being a successful published writer. I can have them all but He will always stand steadfast, when im poor, when im rich, when im a loser writer and when iam a successful writer, winning the Nobel Prize in Literature. Yes, I get that Lord, but is someone getting me? Lord wants us to lean on Him for Everything… I MEAN EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING YOU NEED OR YOU THINK YOU NEED, rely on God. He will take care of it. he will sort it out. He loves you , He loves me, He wants to help, He wants to make your life fulfilling, deep and meaningful. He knows you so well, He knows whats important to you. Trust Him, not even when it doesn’t seem easy, but even when it seems crazy. when the skeptic You is screaming in your head, “are You insane, God is not going to help You, You are a Sinner, You are Promiscous, You are a Liar, You are living in Sin with a man, You think bad thoughts, You haven’t gone to Church for the last three Sundays, Just Who do You think You are coming to God’s altar, asking for Help, You do not deserve this,”

Don’t let the enemy eat you alive. His lies are so sweet and so easy to believe - you aren’t good enough, you aren’t thin enough, you aren’t smart enough, you don’t have any money, you’re too scared. Hello!You are your only Asset. You are good enough. You are smart enough. You are brave enough. He already knows your sins, (and what a relief that is?) at least someone knows all your dirty little secrets and STILL loves you, isn’t that wonderful. Not even your parents, spouse, siblings, know some of the things we think and know and Jesus knowing full well how evil the human spirit can be, died so that we may be saved.

“sufficient for the day is its own trouble” when I read that today I afternoon, I got the impression that its not just a comfort it is also a warning and if warning is too strong of a word for you then let me say it’s a strong suggestion. I believe it strongly suggests of two things, today there will be many challenges, the enemy will come in many forms to tackle you, God is telling you, ‘I will handle it’ The other strong suggestion is, I have made you, I know how much you can take in terms of health. If you worry about tomorrow, it will contribute to detriment of your health.

How many times have we had that stress is the leading cause of heart attacks, ulcers, hypertension and do we need to talk aboutfor you to believe me. Worry and do it at your health’s risk. I get diarrhoea when im stressed. I studied for my, the last and final papers that I thought would be the measure of my life, the past, the future and the now ( Yeah, I know, how stupid was I to let a silly little exam like KCSE define who I was?) in the toilet. When I came into the job I resigned, I had only three strands of white hair, now after almost two years and might I add I am not yet 30 years old, I have a lock of white hair just above the right side of my forehead. You do the math? Is worrying truly worth it. Worry at your own peril, my Friend? As for me and my house, we are going to lie in bed knowing that my tomorrow has already been taken care of.

A Short Short Story

Old Mama Kamau’s dead decaying body was found at 6.00am by Little Turban Boy, the caretaker’s son. The neighbours had been complaining for four days of the foul stench that was seeping out of her green metal door and finally Betty sent Little Turban Boy to break the door down.

I had just come in that hour from my nightly ‘walk’. I stood in front of my door, watching the crowd growing with spectators. Death was such a fascinating new thing to humans. I was amused to see them try to peer at her window, to hear the wailing of women, the hushed voices of the men. There was a murmuring, one of them turned to notice to see my presence at the door and then they all turned slowly to look at me. stone steel eyes in all of them filled with fear, ‘what helpless little sheep they are’ i snickered to myself.

I yawned and closed the door to sleep - my stomach full with human blood.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Twitter Spells Twubble

Twitter spells Twubble

I never thought much about the Internet social networking forums. In fact it was my best friend, who grabbed my laptop and forcefully created my account on Facebook and I reluctantly used it for a few weeks then left my status update, poking, photo tagging in some cheap motel on the side of the Information highway. I mean how many ways can I be tagged in an embarrassing Saturday-I’ve-had-too-much-to-drink aftermath photo?Okay but i still use it.

For those of you who have been living in a 21st century black hole, Facebook is a social networking website. It allows you to interact with ‘friends’ by sending messages and status updates. Facebook has been active now for over four years but now they are facing some fierce competition from a seemingly harmless cute little blue birdie called Twitter.

Twitter is similar to Facebook such that it is a social network but different in that it’s messaging is done in real time. I would compare it to being in a chatroom or instant messaging. On a Twitterer sends a message called a tweet in 140 characters or less in response to the question, ‘What are you doing?’

What I like most about Twitter when I first joined was that it was and is extremely user-friendly. As long as you have an email address you can create an account, immediately start following or be followed and simplistic concept of tweeting in 140 characters or less forces one to be succinct and to the point, which is a good thing, I think.

The story behind is one of determination, creativity, teamwork and a touch of idleness. Odeo Inc, a podcasting company,(a podcasting company makes digital audio or video files for downloading on the web) were facing fierce competitions from Apple’s i-Tunes and other heavyweights in the podcasting industry. They decided to have a day long brainstorming session. Jack Dorsey, Evan Williams, Dom Sagolla and others teamed up and came up with Status which was renamed FriendStalker(not appealing) and later it grew into Twitter. While still working on the prototype, the company decided on cutbacks and they were all asked to leave. Twitter allowed them to connect on a daily basis during those hard times. Its popularity and enormous success grew from there.

Some of the hottest Celebritweets on Twitter are @Britney Spears, @Lance Armstrong, @Oprah Winfrey……the list is endless.@ Ashton Kutcher beat @CNN to have over one million followers.

I like Newbie Guide’s take on Twitter. Rafe Needleman says…….. “Don’t be put off by its excessive popularity ….or the whining of Twitterhaters who missed the fun. Twitter is an interesting and practical real-time messaging system for groups and friends. Its just not so completely obvious how to get into the club.”

So here’s a few tips from Sarah Evans, a fellow twitterholic, on how to get the most out of your Tweetexprience such as:-

· Create a user-friendly TwitterID-No one wants to tweet @PSYCHOTICKILLER311 let alone be followed by him. Your TwitterID will be your personal brand and will also indicate the types of followers you attwact.

· TwitterSearch-Anyone or everyone can be on Twitter but a better start would be to look for people with common intwests and in similar profwessions as you. You’ll have more fun that way.

· Twittionary-I find this fun. Using tw in fwont of every word.its twerrfic and allows you to tweet in any conversation.Just be careful you don’t devewop a tweech impediment!

· Tweet- Say something, say anythingWhat you are you doing? @MJLUV41244 is bored at home tonight,@Britney Spears is eating plain yogurt with plain berries in it,yum! @Stephen Fry needs to film early before the public comes in and @AplusK (a.k.a. Ashton Kutcher) has provided a link to take an aerial tour of New York City.


So whatever your goals are when joining Twitter, personal branding, marketing, or social networking, make Twitter what you want it to be. Its twewific, twy it………… 114 characters left