Monday, April 19, 2010

Kneeling at the Throne

Heb 4:15-16(C.E.V.)“Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin! So whenever we are in need, we should come bravely before the throne of our merciful God. There we will be treated with undeserved kindness, and we will find help”
Im at home, trying to figure out why iam at peace. I mean should I try to nickpick or just enjoy it. yesterday night, Jackson came home drunk at least this time he came before the sun had risen. As I went to bed with the hot steam of hurt and anger flushing my face, I prayed to Jesus. I asked Him to show me what to do. I felt like someone in a dark room fumbling for a light but not being able to find it. I just didn’t have the strength to be mad anymore. But he was alive and in one piece and that was important, I guess. Today morning he was loving and attentive and iam confused. Its like we were so insync today maybe fueled by John, his single friend who crashed on our couch. I think he might have made us feel good about each other, I don’t know why. But today everything seems different. So let me enjoy it.
Dear Lord, this is my prayer. I come to Your Merciful Throne, and request for Your Undeserved Kindness. I don’t regret quitting Barclays and I want to serve You. I love Martin but I know I will keep searching for the answer. The question is what do You Lord Jesus, want me to do?i know I love writing but in three months I haven’t made much headway. i want to earn money for Martin and I, especially my parents because even though they drive me crazy I love them and I want to honour them, I don’t want them to stress in their last days. Please Lord Jesus, im searching for what my role is, what You want me to do because even though I love writing I know that I want to serve You more, because You are the Truth, the Way, the Light. You are the Question with all the Answers, You are What is, What was and What will be. You took my burdens and put them on Your shoulders. Please Lord Jesus, Im here, im open, im ready to listen. Please Hear my voice God. My heart is open. Im sorry for my sins, for the wrong decisions that I have made in the past and I know You have paid that price and Iam happy and I think I understand true salvation. Help me to move out of here and stop living in sin with this man who loves alcohol more than he loves me.

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